Things have been building up over the past six months or so. I have been trying really hard for the past month to keep things quiet on the outside. It is always the worst time of the year for me, yet it seems to be the best for lots of other people. This was the 2 year anniversary of our loss. Now it is like it is banging down my freakin’ front door, it is everywhere I turn. At work, on the TV (I switched channels three times in the past 5 minutes and it was on every channel). It is wearing on me and I can’t concentrate, I want to sleep but can’t, have a list of things I need to finish but am just not motivated.
I know that the fact that I can’t have children is going to be with me every day for the rest of life. No matter where I go, what I do, whom I become, that is always going to be a hole in my heart, soul, existence. I am trying so hard for it not to become bitterness. That is getting a bit harder as now one of my colleagues has become pregnant and that is THE topic of conversation. Constantly. All the time. And it is hard to hear about all of the milestones that I didn’t get to experience as others who have been blessed with the experience ohh and ahh and reminisce what it was like.
Maybe that is a reason why I want to stay in academia, to be surrounded by people who have chosen career over family. Maybe if I am successful in my career it will somehow fill that gap. But I know it is a lie, and that makes me sad. I am also infuriated by the fact that I feel as though I am being taunted about my inability. Why does it have to be everywhere? Why does it still upset me so much? Why won’t the wound heal and let me get on with my life? Out of control, out of my mind, running out of time.
I appreciate you reading this, I just have one request. You may comment but please do not say that I should pray more, not worry about it so much because then it will happen, or that I should be patient because all things in God’s time. I truly do not believe the first two, and I know the third one. I am sorry if that sounds insensitive or harsh, but those are all words and sentiments that do not make me feel better, they actually make the guilt much worse. This may all sound really intense, but I have had this in my head, in my heart for a very long time, and I think it best if I can be open and honest about it all, especially with those I love the most.
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